I’ve written and re-written this post so many times. I’m new to anxiety, and I kind of have impostor syndrome about talking about it. Who am I to say anything since I’ve only had to really deal with it for a few months? Who wants to read about this? Or maybe anxiety is so common that it’s not worth writing about it at all?
I feel like everyone has anxiety, but people don’t talk about it. They don’t post about it on Instagram, they don’t tell their bosses, and we all just pretend like we’re okay all the time. Are we all a part of this secret club and just suffering in silence?
A few of my friends have had anxiety for years. I reached out to them and I’m grateful that they have supported me and answered my questions and shared their own experiences with me during the past few months. I want to do the same for others and let people know they’re not alone. So here goes.
A few things I’ve realized in the past few months:
You can do your job and still struggle with anxiety.
You can be a leader and still struggle with anxiety.
You can be happy and still struggle with anxiety.
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A LITTLE ABOUT PRE-PANDEMIC LIFE
If you’re like me, you’re a go-getter and you enjoy being busy. I felt like I thrived when I was going, going, going. I created my schedule weeks in advance and my pre-pandemic social calendar was packed with dinners and friends and photo shoots. I hardly even conditioned my hair in the shower because I didn’t want to “waste” those five minutes rinsing it out. I rarely had time to be bored, but even if I did, I had a list of things I should be doing.
I still don’t know much about anxiety and I am certainly not a doctor. I have never been diagnosed with anxiety, but in writing this post and looking back on my life, I think I’ve been generally stressed/anxious all my life. When I was really little, sometimes I’d make my bed and sleep on top of the covers so I didn’t have to worry about making my bed in the morning. I bit my nails until high school and I’ve always had a hard time falling asleep at night. But I never thought anxiety was a real problem for me (I might be in denial).
For me, anxiety was the nerves and indigestion before an internship interview. It was the insomnia and stress I felt when traveling alone. I’ve never been so consumed by anxious thoughts or worries that they’ve prevented me from living my life the way I want to. I’m not an irritable person unless I’m hangry. I’ve never had headaches or migraines and haven’t suffered long-term or severe physical symptoms of anxiety. All my anxious feelings or symptoms were temporary, only lasting a few hours or a day at most.
MY QUARANTINE SITUATION
In March 2020, I left my apartment in Los Angeles and flew back to live with my parents in Seattle. I’m lucky that I have a drama-free household to go back to and a job that easily transitioned to remote work. I enjoy spending time with my parents, and I was grateful my family was staying healthy. I have plenty of space to spread out, I get to eat my mom’s wonderful home-cooked meals, and I was able to catch up on all the tv shows that I never had time to watch.
This summer, I went on day trips and hiked and frolicked in nature more than I had in the past four years in California combined. I even got to visit Mount Rainier National Park with my grandma! I only had a couple of senior photoshoots and my Instagram turned into a PNW fan account. Even though life had completely changed, I’m a pretty adaptable person and mentally, I felt fine.
ANXIETY CLUB INITIATION
It started around October. I’d wake up feeling bloated and skipped breakfast. My digestive system was off and I would feel nauseous during my morning meetings almost every day. Walking seemed to soothe my stomach a little bit, so I would get up early before work and walk around my neighborhood, rain or shine. A couple weekends I’d feel so tense and jittery that it took over two hours outside to make my body calm down.
At one point after calling my roommate 14 times in a week, I had tentatively decided to go down to LA in November to move out. I hadn’t even booked plane tickets yet, but the thought caused me so much anxiety that I threw up.
To add to my moving anxiety, I was over-working myself. I started this blog on November 7. It’s the ultimate passion project where I get to combine several of my interests like photography, writing, social media and internet/coding. I was so excited to work on it, and so I did. For hours. Every single day for 33 days straight.
If it was a weekday, I’d wake up early to write or research before my 9-6 job, and then work on it past midnight every night. I was getting less than six hours of sleep, but I loved blogging! I had wanted to create a real blog for years, and I was finally doing it! I knew I was tired, but it didn’t matter, this was what I enjoyed working on. I did think, hmm, maybe I should take a break, but I didn’t until December 11.
If you do not pick a day to relax, your body will pick it for you.
— Neal Owusu (@neal_thatdude) February 6, 2021
That Friday, I woke up early intending to go on a walk before work. It was cold, but sunny. Over the past few weeks, I had had a few heart palpitations, but I knew that it was probably anxiety. That morning, my heart felt a little different, but I thought I could walk it off.
I didn’t make it to the end of my street before I started to panic. This is how I die. A neighbor is going to find me laying on the sidewalk. I booked it back home. I was acutely aware of my heart pumping blood and could feel it hanging in my chest. It didn’t hurt, and I didn’t have any trouble breathing, but it didn’t feel right. I started freaking out that I was going to have a heart attack, and I immediately felt nauseous.
It was 8:45am and I was cold sweating, laying in the hallway with my mom and a trashcan next to me. Somehow, I had gone 23 years without knowing that anxiety can make you feel like you’re dying. Dramatic much? Yes, but it was very scary to me at the time. I’ve always been pretty healthy and have never actually thought my body would give out on me. People don’t talk about this enough.
DEALING WITH ANXIETY HEAD-ON
Thankfully, I felt better after 20 minutes and logged onto my computer for work and proceeded with my day. That night, I decided to take a break and actually prioritize self-care for the first time in my life.
The first thing I decided to do was to take a full break from blogging that weekend. Instead, I tried to ignore my irregular heartbeat and went for a bike ride and laid on the couch watching The Pack on Amazon Prime Video. Not the best show, but it had dogs and that made me happy.
Ultimately, I decided that I won’t blog on weekends at all. If you don’t know any bloggers or haven’t tried blogging yourself, it is A LOT of work. So I’m going to treat it as another 9-6 job and only work on it Monday-Friday, with the exception of posting on Instagram. Having my weekends free gives me two full days to actually relax or get outside or watch tv for 12 hours a day if I want. Getting used to not blogging on weekends is also good preparation for when quarantine is over, so I can have Saturdays and Sundays free for photoshoots.
In December, I started listening to a lot of podcasts about anxiety and mindfulness, which helped calm my mind in the morning and when I was trying to fall asleep at night. I started reading again, and the escapism did me some good, allowing me to concentrate on other things besides my stomach or heart. I kept going on 2-hour walks and runs.
I moved out of my LA apartment in mid-January and once I got back to Seattle, all my symptoms of anxiety immediately lessened or disappeared. I started using my essential oils and oil diffuser every night. Pumping lavender or eucalyptus into my bedroom has really helped a lot with falling asleep!
Then on Super Bowl Sunday, I had random chest pain on and off all afternoon and evening. It wasn’t a sharp pain. It was more like a dull ache and discomfort. It wasn’t part of a panic attack or any other symptoms. I suspected it was just anxiety, but I decided to ask my doctor and was advised to come in for an appointment. I went in on Monday and got an EKG. Everything looked fine and my doctor wasn’t concerned that I had an actual cardiac problem, which was a massive relief.
So that was how I started this week. It’s hard not to be afraid of my anxiety. I really don’t want the symptoms to come back, but there is no single cure for anxiety in general, and there’s no single cure to my anxiety. If I practice self-care, I do feel a lot better and I’m hoping it will help prevent any more anxiety streaks.
I’m taking the extra minutes to condition my hair. I’m reading more than I have in years. I’m going to exercise more. If I take anything away from this time of anxiety, it will be building better habits and getting healthier physically and mentally.
If you are struggling with anxiety, know that you’re not alone. Consult your doctor if you’re experiencing physical symptoms or if anxiety is getting in the way of your daily life. Reaching out to your trusted friends, family, and co-workers is also a good idea. Chances are, some of them also struggle with anxiety. And if you need me, I’m always here to chat.
